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and then i wonder if it’s just that i want a boyfriend

buT NO NO I DONT

i was looking at my friend’s friend today and he’s kind of cute

but i still dont have the giant urges to take him out and do things for him and shit

i dont want a boyfriend i want someone to love that will be my boyfriend

the extent of hopefulness has been steadily decreasing tho over the past couple days

first it was wanting to be his gf

then friend

then i just wanted to fucking take him rollerskating and thats it

that wouldve been it

IT IT IT IT IT!!!!!

i hate this crush so much

hes a fucking celebrity and ive seen him all of once for 0.5 seconds quite literally that long

he’s seven years older than me and has a girl and is famous and is impossible to contact REALLY

im just

angry

i just want this feeling gone

i want to punch something instead of being mollified

i want it gone

i want it gone

i want it gone

my anger is just implosive but at the same time im not angry

im not miserable

i havent cried over this once

i just have this giant feeling of UNWELL and uneasiness in my chest

AND I HATE IT SO MUCH

i really hate it

i want to scream and cry OR AT THE VERY LEAST FEEL LIKE I NEED TO

instead im left with this impassive but under the surface anger and negativity

yeah so with my dastardly plan ruined ive just been sitting in anger and frustration because i have no other method of seeing him until about four months

YET soon today i find out he has a lady on the side that is extremely hush hush

so

all my plans (with the most recent being the annoying fangirl ring pop gimmick) over the past month

are ruined in shreds in ruin and i just cant handle it because ive been such an idiot obsessing and ruining myself this whole time

i mean we had fun cuz besides walking around everywhere we stopped to look at things but still

but as fate would have it

i walk in, see his face for approximately 0.5 seconds (not joking) and run away embarrassed to the bathroom for 5-10 minutes

and when i come back it turns out his shift at the booth was done

so i walked around for four more hours in hopes of seeing him cuz the guys at the booth kind of said he was going to be in and out but he wasn’t

worse yet i dragged around my friend who was in high heels throughout this escapade

so last friday he was at an event and i was going to go meet him and ask him with a ring pop to go to prom with me

i knew he would probably say no

i just wanted to introduce myself and give him a ring pop and use that as a basis

and then be the ring pop girl and ask him to do another thing at a different point in time and get turned down again and again until he says yes

im really sick of myself

HOWEVER me being me thought that i could do it

i can talk to a guy who is seven years older than me and does adult things while im still piddling away at my parents house underage and maybe get to know him and pray upon prayer that he gets interested in me

because you know i have this giant crush and im not used to celebrity crushes

im used to crushing on guys at my school who are my friends or who i make my friends

and then it goes away because i stop liking them after knowing them a little while